Translating Cynthiaspeak

You may have found Cynthia Davis' interview about health care reform with FOX Business confusing and unintelligible; fear not. I have been hard at work translating her words into something more digestible for the masses.  Her language is shown in italics below -- it's too hot to handle otherwise.

Fatigued by Villicators

“Well, first of all, I'm a little bit fatigued with all the people vilifying the people with no insurance. There are plenty of good people in Missouri who don't have insurance and they do pay their bills. So I would appreciate it if those in Washington would stop all that rhetoric about people with no insurance are the ones who are bankrupting our health care system.

And, secondly, I don't appreciate them vilifying all insurance companies, especially since they're trying to use those to force everybody to buy insurance.

What Cynthia Was Really Saying: Well, first of all, I’m a little bit flatulated by those who vilify legislators who are bat-crap crazy. There are plenty of good legislators in Missouri who pay their bills thanks to insurance companies. So I would appreciate it if those in Washington would stop all that rhapsodizings about people with no insurance and get back to bankrupting the country.

And, sadistically, I love it when vilicated insurance companies force their policies on everybody who buys insurance.

On the Constitution—or the Declaration … whichever.

Oh, it is outrageously unconstitutional. I am sorry that our Congress doesn't have a history lesson, and doesn't have a Constitution lesson but they're about to get one. And if they don't understand what the 10th Amendment is or what is in our Constitution, we'll wake them up and they'll learn pretty soon and pretty quick they can't do this. If they don't understand...

What Cynthia Was Really Saying: Oh, I’m outraged by the Unconstituted. That sorry Congress knows I have a history and my own Constitution and I’m about to get them one. And if they don’t understand what the 10 ½ Amendment is, or what our Consitutents is, we’ll wake them up and learn ‘em a pretty trick and pretty soon. They can’t do this, if they don’t understand me.

Playing rocks, paper, scissors:

At this point, I think you're saying we're playing rock, paper, scissors. And so they think they have a rock or paper or scissors and we're going to have a great big showdown. And it is time to teach them, uh-uh, you can't do that. I believe every part of the Constitution is equally important. And our founding fathers, there is -- yes, there is a Supremacy Clause, but it only says they have the right to do that which they already have the right to do. They don't have the right to do health care.
And I wish some of them in Congress would wake up and read it, because they see for themselves, there's nothing in -- the word health care and insurance do not appear anywhere in the U.S. Constitution.

What Cynthia Was Really Saying: At this joint, I think we’ll play rock, paper, scissors. Obama’s done put a rock on the paper (Constitution) then used the scissors to cut out the Supremacy Clause and slip in Santa Claus, giving him the right to slide down chimneys and eat our cookies and milk while wearing a Commie red outfit, hippy hairdo, and leaving welfare gifts for kids who should be working the late night shift at MacDonalds. Now that would be doing the right thing.